meltingaway

I gained 2 pounds this week. 

Why did I gain two pounds?

The easy answer: I exercised 2 days and ate allot of junk. 

Hard answer: I was freaking out over my 8 weeks of no gains.  I kept thinking it can’t be this easy to have loss after loss every week. 

I sabotaged myself to continue the lie that I had really been trying to loose weight all those times that I didn’t work out and ate everything I could get my hands on.  This so frustrating, if it weren’t for the mental part losing weight would be a breeze.  Unfortunately it is 95% mental for me.  I enjoy exercise, I like eating healthy food, I like drink water.  I just haven’t always liked those things.  As I learned to like them and began seeing result I also saw a large piece of my identity slipping away.  It is scary how much being fat is a part of who I am and losing that is like losing myself.  It makes me want to scream!!!  What am I so afraid of?  Am I afraid that my friends will not like me anymore?  Am I afraid I will not like myself anymore?  Am I afraid that I can’t do it? Am I afraid that I will gain it all back?  Why can’t I just let Fat Jessie go? 

Weekly Goals:

1. Drink 12 - 8 oz glasses of water daily.
2. Exercise 30 minutes 5 days.
3. Spend 5 minutes visualizing my success daily.
4. Follow my food plan 5 days.

Nothing complicated, nothing over the top, just simple and very attainable goals.

That night I did 150 sit ups on my exercise ball.  I did 6 sets of 25.  I felt great until I woke up this morning and I am so sore it hurts to sneeze. 

Moral of the story: Exercise balls work muscles differently than old fashion sit ups.  Build up slowly or you will pay for it later.

Yes, I said Hula Hoop.  Someone found a video and posted it in the wildcat forum weeks back.  I was thinking I want to try it as exercise and have a little fun at the same time.  Well, I refuse to spend more than $10 on one.  I have to be careful with my money these days.  I looked at Wal-Mart last night no luck.  I searched online this morning, they are outrageous.  I think the best price I founds was $24 plus shipping.  I think not. 

I may have struck out on the hula hoop, but not on the exercise ball.  I found one for $6 and did 100 crunches last night.  I love it.  I am looking forward to seeing results in the coming weeks.  I am trying to focus on my stomach, hips, and booty.  These areas are where I am carrying most of my weight.  I won’t be able to fit into a smaller size unless I spend some more time on these areas.  I would love to fit back into jeans again.  Come to think of it I have a pair of jeans in my closet I should be able to wear now. 

I saw some friends yesterday and today that I have not seen in 1 - 2 years.  They were all impressed with how great I look.  It is nice to hear that my efforts are noticeable, but I need to remember it’s the inner changes that I am most happy about.  Feeling comfortable in my own skin and finding my voice is by far more important than fitting into a smaller size.   Also knowing that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to is empowering. 

So that all the good stuff, now for the bad.  One of my cousins has cancer.  Which scares the crap out of my cause  our mothers passed with 6 months of one another from cancer.  They had very similar medical histories and she is only 6 years older than I am.  I am fighting with a previous employer over my last pay check.  I demand that they pay me for the hours I worked, they are beginning to see my point of view.  Other than that it’s the same as any other day. 

I need to work on some new goals for the week. Along with pay bills, balance my checkbook, take out the trash, and find something to cook for dinner.  I love my life.  No really, I love it!  I enjoy all the day to day responsibilities along with having a fun and crazy time as often as possible. 

As always my exercise routine has been hit and miss.  I have amazing intentions and little follow through.  I don’t eat myself up over it anymore.  I just try to do more than not do.  I have wasted too much time beating myself over shoulda, coulda, wouldas. 

A while back I wrote a blog about exercising with friends.  I didn’t think about it when I posted a link on my twitter page to my blog.  One of my friends has been reading it, but she didn’t say anything about it until last night.  My first thought was have I said anything about her.  My second thought was who cares, she’s a real friend and I hope she would understand the purpose of this blog. 

Back to the point, April and I went walking last night.  And I realized the benefit of having her with me.  I wouldn’t have walked the entire lake loop with out her.  I would have been overly self conscious about being there on my own.  Not to mention a girl was raped there a couple years back.  It happened while April and I were there walking and we didn’t hear a thing.  We read about it in the newspaper the next day.  Needless to say we don’t go walking there alone. Back to the point, again, she helped my realize that even though the scales haven’t moved much in the past few weeks I am still making progress.  I didn’t need to stop and rest, however, I did stop to use the restroom.  In the past I would stop after 15 minutes, then turn around and gone back to the car after I had rested.  Not any more, we did the entire 5k loop!  I haven’t done the entire loop in years.  April pointed out all these facts, I had not realized how bad I was before. 

 I went to the second job interview at Wal-Mart this morning.  It went well and I should get a call back this afternoon.  I will have one more interview to pass before the final decision is made.  I did found out there are 2 positions open in apparel.  That makes my odds even better!

I hope everyone is having a great week!

I had a great weekend.  Nothing special, just quiet and relaxing.  I managed to get in some exercise on Sunday, which was great.  I was actually ready to come back to work this morning, which kinda freaks me out.

I walked 3 miles and had my usual fruit and soy milk smoothie with 2 pieces of peanut butter toast this morning.  I love starting the day that way.  It feels like I am on track and setting myself up for a great day.  I found an article on MSN.com about plateaus.  It was interesting and said what I already knew to be true.  The only way to get off a plateau is to identify problem areas and find solutions to fix them.  I am including the link so you can read it if you like. 

http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100241751&gt1=31036

I have a job interview at Wal-Mart tomorrow morning.  I need extra cash to make ends meet.  It’s weekends in clothing (soft line).  I hope I get it.  It will help me afford new clothing while I lose weight.  Plus I will be working around people and I love people.  They are so fun and unpredictable.  It will take a bit to get used to working on my feet again, but I know I can do it.

I came to the library to log on because I needed a buddy slim fix.  I will catch up on blogs soon.   

Today has been good so far.  I am trying to make my plans more than just thoughts in my head. 

Have a great weekend. everyone!

I am pissed at myself.  I ate exactly as much as I burned this week.  I maintained, no gain, no loss, just stayed where I was.  The scale is our compass that shows where we are going.  (Read that in someones blog last month, wish I remembered who’s.  It was an awesome blog.)  If is it goes down we are headed in the right direction.  If it goes up we are going in the wrong direction and need to stop and ask directions or get out a map.  And if it stays the same (and we are not at our goal weight) then we are going NO WHERE.  I hate going no where.  One of the highlights of my week is seeing my weight ticker going down.

Why am I going no where?

1. I missed and half assed too many workouts. 
2. I ate horribly much of the week.
3. I did not hold myself accountable for my actions.

How am I going to fix this?

1. Do what I say I am going to do.
2. Follow my eating plan. 
3. Stop eating out 4 or 5 days a week.
4. Hold myself accountable.  All the support and encouragement in the world does no good when I am not facing the consequences of my actions. 

My goals this week are not changing much.  Apparently I have the right idea or I would not have maintained.

1. Walk/ Jog 45 to 60 minutes 6 days
2. 100 sit ups daily
3. 60 push ups every other day
4. Biggest Loser 2 DVD Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday
5. Drink 90 oz of water daily
6. Meditate 15 minutes daily
7. Keep food log
8. Blog more and be more involved in the Wildcat forums

As I have said before this is about solutions not problems.  I want to change the old habits that are slowly killing me.  I can see how far I have come.  I am leaving the victim mentality behind.  I can see myself crossing the finish line of a 5k, wearing a little black dress, being comfortable in my own skin.  Plateau or not I am succeeding!

I know diet pills are one of the worst things you can do to your body.  What about supplements such as fish oil?  I had not thought about it until I read an article a minute ago.  “Speed up your Metabolism” click the link to read the entire article.  Most of the article was good, except for saying caffeine is good for you.  I know it is always best to find the original study to make you own judgement.  Numbers can lie when taken out of context and misrepresented.  Anyway just wanted to get some opinions and more input. 

http://health.msn.com/fitness/womens-fitness/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100240614

This is what it had to say about fish oil.

Pop pills: Combining regular exercise with fish-oil supplements increases the activity of your fat-burning enzymes, reports a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. Volunteers took six grams of fish oil daily and worked out three times a week. After 12 weeks, they’d lost an average of 3.4 pounds, while those who exercised exclusively saw minimal shrinkage. Look for brands containing at least 300 milligrams of the fatty acid EPA and 200 milligrams of the fatty acid DHA per capsule. Pop two of these two hours before your workout.

This morning I woke up and went for a jog/walk, 1/5 jogging 4/5 walking.  I was able to clear my head enough to realize I need to be thankful for what I have.   I also turned on music while I was getting ready for work.  I love dancing around like an idiot.

Yesterday was the worst day I have had in months.  It began on Monday, I was temporarily laid off from my second job.  Without that income I can’t pay all my bills.  The stress from that built and built.  Then I wrote that extremely honest blog.  Opening up that way on top of money worries was like salt on an open wound.  I began a fast downward spiral into to hopelessness and depression.  I did eat a bowl of ice cream and 2 taquitos but stopped there emotional eating there and went to talk to a friend.  I took a couple loads of laundry with me and we talked out the situation. 

I am not sure were I found it, but I am at peace with everything today.  I know I have been through worse and the only reason things were so bed yesterday was I was focused on problems and not solutions.  Opening up and getting things off my chest still scares me.  I can’t believe I said what I said.  I never take off the mask that way.  At the same time I have a goof grin on my face because I know I am here for all the right reasons.  I am here to support and encourage others as I learn from them and I am supported and encouraged by them. 

Warning: Anyone who is not serious about the complete emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical changes of healthy living STOP READING NOW.  You will more than likely not understand where I am coming from, or you will not be able to handle the reality of what I have said.  I would hate for any one’s head to explode because this blog is full of toooo much information, truth, and honesty.  

This is completely for my own benefit.  My motivations are totally self serving.  I don’t expect any comments on this blog, I just needed to get it out.  I don’t say any of this to gain sympathy.  I just need to be open about all of this, so later if I start talking out of the side of my face I can be called on my shi*.

Yes, I am full of it.  I can lie to myself like you wouldn’t believe.  At times I think it is a God given talent.  The things I convince myself to believe are so off the wall and ridiculous.  I will back up and explain myself.  I have a extremely addictive and self destructive personality.  Simply put I have n0 impulse control.  I am addicted to food, gambling, sex, and shopping.  It amazes me that I never had a problem with drugs or alcohol.  For years I lived by the motto if it feels good do it and if it feels really good…do it even more.  It really is a sad a lonely existence.  I say existence because there is no living when you are only thinking about your next “fix”.  I sought help for the gambling in February of 2007.  I had and amazing counselor, and support system.  I have not made a bet or been to a casino since March 20, 2007.  Which is great except I transferred from gambling to sex.  I was still seeing my gambling counselor at the time and she helped me see what I was doing to myself.  Thank God I stopped before I was hurt or contracted an STD.  So that leaves shopping, which is hard to do when you have no money, but as with gambling I find ways.  I am learning to work a budget and be responsible.  Self control is the most difficult word in the English language for me. 

So now that leads back FOOD.  Food always has and will be my first addiction.  My unhealthy relationship with food began when I was 7 years old.  Since then I have used food to cope with every emotion.  If I feel an emotion good, bad, or indifferent I numb it with food.  I know what this does to me.  I know it is killing me slowly.  That I will never be able to eat enough to make the feelings go away, or to fill the void.  A few days ago I blogged about hitting a plateau.  It’s not a plateau, I have been eating as much as I burn off.  I have been balancing it just enough to keep the scale from going up.  To claim anything less is dishonest to myself and to everyone that reads my blog.  I am proud of myself for upping the exercise.  Now I just need to get back on my plan of eating.

Last weekend I had the thought more than once that something was missing.  And each time I had that thought I would start think about the different places I could eat, because surly it was just some food that I wanted that I hadn’t had in a while that I was missing.  God forbid I actually admit I was missing human contact with my friends and family.  It has been weeks since I saw my friends, and even longer since I saw my Dad. Even worse to admit I am worried.  (I have 2 jobs and could see the lay off from my second job coming.)  One month before my 30th birthday I finally got my own place, which is a symbol of how far I have come.  For the first time I am completely independent.  Without that income I won’t be about to make rent.   The life I have worked so hard for is in jeopardy and it scares the hell out of me.  So between money problems and isolating myself from friends and family I have really  hurt my recovery.  I know this and it makes me sad.  I have put so much importance on creating the life I want that I began to lose myself along the way.  Last night a woman shared how she always kept think that the next thing she learned would be the key to her recovery and then she would be cured.  But that key never comes.  It is a life long process of making the next right choice and balancing every aspect of life not one or two. 

 So this is me being 100% honest with myself.  I need to put down the food and pick up my car keys.  I need to spend time with the people in my life who love me no matter how insane I get.  I need to follow through with all my obligations and responsibilities to others, not only the ones I have made to myself.  Most of all I need to quit lying to myself.  Facing the truth and being responsible is not a bad thing.  In fact it is freeing when I know I have taken care of business and can truly enjoy my down time. 

I exercised 6 days last week.  I didn’t do as much as I had planned each day, just the same I am happy with what I did.  I made more effort to drink enough water each day, and ate better than I had the week before.  I can tell the difference in my legs, I have more muscle tone.  My Canckles are disappearing.  I haven’t had ankles in over 20 years. 

The outer changes are great, but the inner changes are even better.  I am learning to see myself more clearly.  I am able to see I am capable of dealing with my emotions and not numb them with food.  Little by little I am getting closer to uncovering the person I am becoming.  I am finding my self and my voice. 

I am so thankful to everyone here for the support, encouragement, and words of advice.  I know I would not be able to do this alone.  It is easier to believe the negative self talk that has held me back for years.  Turning off that nasty little voice and learning to listen to the positive is surly one of the most difficult things I will ever do.  I know I can do it though.  I am not alone in this and I will never be again.  I know I have the support here and in my real life friends.  Being confident in this gives me the drive to do more. 

My goals for the week.  Aiming high to push myself, you never know what you can do until you try.

1. Walk 45 to 60 minutes
2. 75 push ups each day
3. 40 push ups every other day
4. Biggest Loser DVD Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday
5. Drink 90 oz of water each day
6. Meditate 15 minutes each day
7. Keep food log up to date.

I think I have hit a plateau.  I have not been seeing the numbers I have seen in the past or would like to see.  This week I lost less than a pound, so my weight ticker did not change.  Don’t get me wrong I am very happy.  A loss not matter how small is always better than a gain.  I will think of ways I can change my fitness and eating plans to get the scales moving again.  Who am I kidding?  Fitness is better than it has ever been.  It’s the eating that is out of control.  So, that is what I will start working on.

I love that today I am not getting totally down on myself and all my efforts and saying f### it all.  I am coming up with solutions and moving forward.