meltingaway

I am so shallow.  I get an ego boost everytime I click on my reader and see new faces.  I have such low self worth, love, and esteem.  On good days I am fine, I can see I am not a waste of space.  On bad days I see myself as I was before I started creating the life I always wanted.  I don’t think anyone would want to read what I have to say.  Even though I see my weight tracker and I have a hand drawn graph on my fridge, my 30 pound loss still seems surreal.  I expect to wake up one day and find that the last 6 months of success have been a dream, that I am still living at home with my Dad, and my life is a pathetic mess.  I can’t see the forest for the trees.  Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend and almost requested a table.  I forget I have lost enough to fit into a booth again.  I did I little dance in my mind when I slid into the booth with no problem.  I know my mind will catch up and I will see myself clearly.  I will see myself as the indepentant woman I am, not the lost little girl I have been.  I better stop, I am about to make myself cry.  I don’t want pitty, I just needed to unload and see the obsertity of my thoughts on the screen.  Seeing things in writing or saying them out loud really helps me process.  Thanks everyone for reading and encouraging me.  Without the support I have found on here and other places I don’t think I would be looking at a 30 pound loss since the New Year.  I am beginning to see the damage growing up as a fat kid has done.  I have some major security issues to work on.  Deep breath and I know I can handle anything.  It is easier to stay fat and isolated than get healthy and live life.