meltingaway

I love my life these days.  Knowing I am not wasting my life away is more rewarding than I ever thought it could be.  I can not allow myself to regret all the years I wasted slowly killing myself with food.  I was not able to eat away any of the pain and dispare.  I was however putting myself at risk for cancer, heart desease, diabetis, and many other weight induced illnesses.   Don’t get me wrong, I still have low days and weeks when I live in the past.  I am learning to let myself feel those feelings and let then let it go. I am a sum of all my life experience, but those experiences do not define me.  I have said before, I refuse to be a victum any longer.  I want to fight to get healthy, create a good life for myself, and be me.  I don’t know what sparked this blog today.  When I opened the blank page I just started free writing and this is what came out.  I guess I needed to give myself a pep talk. 

My accountablity for the last 2 days

I have not worked out.  I will remedy that after I finish writing this.

Friday and Saturday were high calorie days.  Today I am back where I need to be.  I will aim for the low end of my calorie range the rest of the week.  I am not stressing about it.  As bad a 2 high day are, it’s not the end of the world as long as I get myself back on track.

I have not drank enough water, again, I am already on top of it for today. 

I did not take any me/meditation time, I am having issues with that.  Need to work on in it.

Whatever else was on my goals for the week I have not done either.  I need to write those down and post them on my bathroom mirror so I see them in the mornings. 

I did more research about Metformin this morning.  Turns out the foggy thinking may have been one of the side effects.  I need to get my butt back to my doctor to be certain.  Turns out lactic asisdosis is on the list of side effects.  I am not sure how this applies to me since I am taking it for PCOS and not to regulate blood sugar.  I hate taking Metformin, but I am trying to stick with it since the other alternative I have is a total hystorectomy.  I don’t want to have children, but I would feel less feminine if I have to take that route.  Okay enough TMI for one day.   

Every year at this time I am caught off guard by allergies.  I don’t have the normal reaction so I spend a few days or a week wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  Well it’s hit again, and that is the reason I am tired, my head is fuzzy, and I can’t seem to think straight, no sneezing, watery eyes, stuffiness, or congestion.  When the head ache hit a few minutes ago I finally realized what is going on with my body.  I hope it passes quickly.  I am a big whiny baby and I hate not feeling like myself. But on to the better news.

I lost 5 pounds this week.  I made some good choices and they paid off.  I am still soda free!

Thursday Accountability: Day 4 of staying with in calorie range.  Missed my water by 2/3s.  I did take my medication, but was unable to read blogs or the Wildcat forum.  I also didn’t exercise.  I missed more of my goals than I checked off.  Which is fine, I am not perfect and everyone has off days. 

My goals for the week.

1. Stay with in calorie range. 
2. Exercise 5 days.
3. Take meds
4. Drink 96 oz of water daily
5. Stay in touch with buddies.
6. Read a book 30 minutes everyday. 

I hope this all makes some sense to everyone.  I can’t focus enough to be certain that what I typed is what I meant to say. 

I stayed with in calorie range with 2,118.  3rd day in a row that I have stayed with in range.  I didn’t Walk Boomer as planned.  The weather turned nasty and I wimped out.  Good thing I got in a half mile walk with hand weights yesterday morning.  At least I did something.  I drank all 12 glasses of water, and I am still soda free.  I was thinking it has been a week, but it’s only been 4 days.  I had more fun reading blogs yesterday.  Buddyslimmers really are amazing and wonderful people.  I have also remembered to take all my medication this week. 

I check the scale this morning…it showed a new low!  

Note to self:  make a back plan for exercise.  Bad weather is not an acceptable excuse to skip working out.  

This morning while I was staring at myself in the mirror brushing my teeth I thought hit me.  Where do I want to be at the end of this year?  I came up with 2 answers. 1. I want to have lost 50 pounds this year, and 2. I would be over the moon if I saw 299 or less on the scale.  I know I can reach 50 pounds I am 15 pounds away as of last Friday.  I know it is VERY possible to see 200s on the scale as well.  I want this and I know I can do it. 

Accountability for Tuesday 8/25/09

1. Calories 2,296, with in range.
2. Exercise walked 30 minutes, skipped the other.
3. Meds AM and PM check
4. Fun in the forums and blog, some but not enough.
5. Me time and meditation check.

*Note to self:  Spread calories out though out the day more not 50% of them at night.

Okay, so at least for the rest of this week and maybe longer I am going to list my daily goals for accountability.  I have it in my little note book that I carry in my purse, but I want to see it here.  It is more difficult to lie to myself when others can read it. 

1. Calories: 2,000 to 2,350 (as recommended by sparks)
2. AM meds
3. PM meds
4. Exercise:  30min walking, Strength and Stretching
5. Blog
6. Read blogs and have fun on the Wildcat forum

I have not seen my neighbors since 4:45am Friday morning.  I don’t think they were home all weekend, but neither was I.  Relay for Life was great, so was Fun Day in Ponca City.  I switched the rest day from Monday to Sunday.  I think I will make days I work Wal-Mart rest days, at lest until I adjust to 8 hours shifts on my feet.

One of my bffs is a shining example of how important form during weight training is sooooooooo important.  On Friday he worked out at the YMCA with a friend.  They did not know that the Y closes an hour early on Fridays.  They rushed through the workout and the poor guy is paying the price.  He was on an ab machine with 50lbs.  He was going fast and jerking more than anyone should.  By 3pm Saturday afternoon the muscles in his back were so knotted he could not stand the pain.  I took him to the urgent care facility.  It took him 15 minutes to get from his apartment to the car.  They gave him medication and told him no exercise for a month and then 2 time per week for 4 weeks and build from there.  Even with the muscle relaxers and pain meds he spent the night on the floor in agony.  It wasn’t until Monday afternoon that he was able to get up and walk around and get into his bed.  It maybe days before he is back to 100%.  It is always better to do 10 reps with good form than 30 reps with bad form and risk injury. 

4:45 this morning I hear banging and thumping and foot steps and more banging then I here knocking.  My neighbors were still up partying from Thursday night.  I got out of bed and flung my apartment door open.  The guys next door were standing in the entry way smoking and drinking.  I gave them the look of death then slammed my door.  Even though I didn’t get to sleep till around 1:00 I was wide awake.  So, I laced up my kicks and went for a 2 mile walk.  When I stepped out side the guys were apologizing and just O so very sorry they woke me up.  I hate confrontation so I didn’t tell them what I want to.  Which was seriously, are you freaking kidding me? It’s almost 5am !  Shut up and go to bed!  After the walk I went grocery shopping, then made myself breakfast, and made it to work on time.  It is amazing what you can do when you get up 2 hours early. 

Tonight is Relay for Life.  It’s a fundraiser for The American Cancer society. Here is a link to the website. http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/  Team walk all night. It’s 7p to 7a I think.  I need to double check the time.  I hope it is not rained out this year. 

That’s my life today.   As annoyed as I am I am surprised I am not in a worse mood.  I think the 2 miles helped work out most of the anger. 

I gained 2 pounds.  I am upset about it. The kind of upset that gets my a$$ up and out the door for a walk followed my weights.  If the scale shows a gain it is a reflection of what I did and did not do.  NO excuses, no whining, no self pitty, if I want results I must take action. 

This weeks goals are simple

1. Make a detailed menu and stick to it.

2. Take my medication as perscribed.

3. Exercise:

Thur 30 min walking, weights, and cool down.

Fri - 45 min walking and stretching.

Sat - 30 min walking, weights, and stretching.

Sun - DVD workout, 30 min walking, and stretching.

Mon - rest

Tues - weights, 30 min walking, and stretching.

Wednesday - Walk Boomer Lake and stretching.

4. Daily blog and accountability

5. Meditation and Me time

6. Support those who support me.

I am very tired and tomorrow promises to me a long day.  Relay for life is tomorrow night.  I am not on a team, but one of my friends is.  She said I can help her group walk.  I want to go for at least a couple hours.  I lost my mother and 4 aunts and 1 uncle to cancer.  It is a cause that really hits me hard. 

There is no point in counting the number of times we pick ourselves up and start again.  Many of us do it on a daily basis.  The Point is that we do pick ourselves up once again and dust oursleves off and make the next choice a healthy one.  Weather is it a nutrition, fitness, emotional, spiritual choice.  We are a product of our choises.  Some choices are made in desperate or week moments, while others are made in peaceful contimplation.  As much as I dislike the results of so many poor choices I have made, I am greatful for the oportunity to make the best of today and move forward with my life. 

Thanks for all the encouragement and support on my last blog.  Yesterday and most of today have been a rollercoaster ride.  I am reminded that no matter how bad things are at the moment I have been through worse and I am a better person for it.  Still I am only human and I need to give myself a reality check on occasion.  This normally result in a little a$$ kicking, lol. 

I need to kick my own a$$ for not doing anything I should be doing.  Once again I shut down and just stopped.  For days I have not been working out, logging my food, drinking water, or anything else.  Some parts of my life are in transistion and I am using that as an excuse to slack off on everything.  ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I hate when I do this to myself.  Because when I weigh in I am all oh boo hoo I gained poor pitiful me.  It makes me want to scream. 

Here is what I am going to do for the rest of the week. 

1. Log my food and stick between 1,200 - 1,5000 calories.
2. Drink at least 96oz of water daily.
3. 45 minutes of exercise daily.
4. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are strength days. 
5. 10 minutes or more of me time daily.
6. Post my accountability on the Wildcat forum daily.

My new profile pic is an old one.  I think it’s 2 years old.  Someone commented about it on facebook today.  That was when I noticed I can’t do squishy face anymore.  There isn’t enough fat the squish.  How great is that!?  I am also wearing a bra that was too small a few short months ago.  This is on top of Wal-Mart trying to kill me this weekend)okay not really).  It was my first weekend to work on the sales floor.  They put me in grocery instead of instead of apparel.  Two 8 hour shifts of lifting, bending, kneeling, stretch, and walking later I am alive and barely sore.  Both days I had 15,000 plus steps.  The past year’s worth of healthy choices is really showing.  The scale may not move as fast as I would like, but I have a body that works better than it has since childhood.

Just a quick note to say I am back.  Sorry I was MIA for the past week.  I will catch up on blogs and forums ASAP.  I missed you all.  It really is more difficult to do this alone.  Which makes trying to lose alone insane when we have such great support here. 

Take care,  

Jess

I lost 1 of the 2 pounds I gained last week!  I will be glad to see the other pound vanish next week.  I am less bloated and feel better this week.  Just wish my head was not so clouded.  I am beginning to worry.  My thinking has been extremely fuzzy for days.   

I didn’t meet my goals last week so I am keeping them again for this week and adding counting calories. 

1. Walk/exercise 30 minutes 5 days. ( I fell short of this by 2 days.)
2. Log everything I eat. (Missed 1 1/2 days)
3. Visualize my success.  ( This really helped the past two days when I had hit my calorie limit and wanted to eat more.)
4. Calories = 1,200 to 1,8000 every day.  (New, I have done well with this for the last 2 days.  I am excited to see how I will make this happen for an entire week.)

Have a great weekend everyone, play safe and have fun!