meltingaway

I am not the happiest with this month’s result in some ways.  In other ways I am over joyed. 

I lost 7 pounds.  I wanted to do better. 

I did a 5K and reached my 50 pound mini goal.  I am so happy with this!

My goals for Noverber are:

1. Drink 64 oz of water each day.  I think I am dehydrated as well as sleep deprived. 
2. Go 100 miles.  I need to step up the exercise to see results.
3. Sleep as much as I can.  I need much more sleep than I have been getting. 
4. Hit 314 by the end of the month.  That puts me half way to my December 31st goal of 299. 

It has been another long day.  I don’t think this is ever going to let up.  I got to sleep at 2:00am last night.  I got up at 6:50 and I have been going ever since.  I am so ready for today to be over, but I still have a few things to do before I crash. 

I maintained this week.  I am not happy with that.  I know it’s because I was not able to eat as many fruits and vegtables as I normally do.  Another lesson in why balance is so important.   I just bought some groceries.  I did everything I know not to do when shopping.  I didn’t have a list and I was hungry and overly tired.  I make the worst food choices when I shop this way.  

Ok, I am need to chop onions for a chili cookoff/pot luck at work tomorrow.  We are raising money for United Way.  I have a bunch of onions from my Dad’s garden I am going to take. 

I would love to catch up on the forums and emails, but I don’t have the energy.  I wil try to catch up sometime tomorrow.

Beverly posted this in the Wildcat forum and it got me thinking.   

when I’m going to try hard to get back on track ,because November is coming and i want to weight 210 by thanksgiving,i need to get this boat out of the sand,you can’t move in the sand and that’s where i am right now.not moving.but this boat is ready to move,i hope i go with it lol.

A couple months ago while I was bushing my teeth one morning I realized where I wanted to be by the end of the year.  It was 2 fold, the first was to hit 50 pounds, the second was to see 299 or less on the scale.  I have come along way since that morning.  I have reached the 50 pound goal.  Now I want to reach 299.  I am so happy with how far I have come.  I want to take it to the next step. 

Last week I had mentioned working on my Shut Up and Do It!!! notebook.  Today I am starting to get it together.  The purpose of the notebook is to keep me focused.  At a glance I can see where I was, where I am, and where I am going.  It lists all my gaols, has notes about things that have not worked and why and things that have and why.  I have an old fashioned graph paper weight chart in it and a one page calendar.  The calendar has blanks by each week to show what I did and a blank for that month’s goal.  I can see what I wanted to do and what I actually did.  I am also working on a new food log system.  I need to find a new way track everything.  I am bored with the other ways I have done it. 

November 1st marks the last 2 months I have to hit my next goal.  I have 29 pounds to lose in 2 months.  I am not going to stress over it if it doesn’t happen by December 31st.  As much as I would like to see that number by New Years it will not define the progress I have made this year.  What will define the progress is the 50 pound goal I reached last week, the 5K I did that weekend, the smaller jeans I am now able to wear, and the stranger I see in the mirror everyday.  I love all these changes!  Seeing a new number on the scale will just be one more to add to the list. 

So back to the notebook.  I hope everyone is having a good day. 

Much Love

Thank you all so much for all your support on my last blog.  The jerk at the 5K can join the a$$hole who oinked at me on my list of people who can bite it.  What they think and say does not matter.   

I am no a very low food budget.  Most weeks I spend $40 to $50 on food.  This week wasn’t thinking and blew my food bugdet.  So I got an idea to make what I have stretch a little further.  It backfired.  I made a crockpot poofta. (Poofta is what I call a dish that I throw stuff together at radom to see what happens.)  Today was red beans, rice, chicken, and some spices.  It doesn’t taste very good.  Bad thing is I used most of what I had left in my cabinets to make it.  Now I am forced to eat it till payday on Thursday.  Needless to say I am not looking forward to eating this week. Oatmeal and scrambled eggs are looking really good at the moment.  The other thing I have is spagetti.  So I will have something to eat besides Poofta. 

So I have to ask, what do you do when the cabinets are almost empty and payday is a week away?   Are there low cost meals/foods that are always on hand to fill the days to payday?

I know how important it is to fuel our bodies with healthy foods.  Which is why I am not happy with myself for letting this happen. 

I posted this in the Wildcat forum but I wanted to blog about it too.  The 5K was good until I hit the finish line. I don’t know what my time was because the guy taking the numbers was yelling at me for putting it in the wrong place. No one told me where to pin my number so I pinned it to my back. I have never done a race before so I didn’t know anything. I know I went over my goal of one hour but I am not sure how far over I was. The last time I looked at the clock it read 1:07. But I don’t know if it turned to 1:08 before I actually hit the finish line. I emailed the contact for the race, ranted about the jerk, and asked if she could possibly look up my time. I hate that I went from totally happy to feeling stupid in the mater of 3 seconds. Then I got extremely angry once I realized I felt cheated out of such a major accomplishment.

I was not the last person across the finish line.  I was 2nd to last.  I don’t care about that.  I FINISHED my first 5K!  Next time I will do better and enjoy it more.  I will ask all the questions so I am not made to feel stupid.  I need to focus on the positive and not allow the jerk so much power over my life.  He probably doesn’t even remember me and will never give me a second thought. 

So at one point I wasn’t sure I would make it.  I was so tired and out of breath.  I did not train enough, which is a mistake I will not make again.  Now I want to do another.  This is such a great way to push myself to do more.  I love that I did this.  It is something I have always wanted to do.  I know I would not have been able to do it 50 pounds ago.  Makes me wonder what I will be able to do after another 50 pounds is gone.  I love putting my body through it’s paces.  I have a body that works!  Oh my God, my body works!!!  It’s doesn’t work as well as most, but it is not broken.  YEAH!!!

I almost forgot the woman who finished last.  She was in her 50’s she was amazing.  Her name is Lu.  She trotted 5 to 10 steps behind me that whole way.  She was wearing this jingly scarf thing that was annoying at first, but I missed it when she fell behind.  At the end it was a beautiful sound.  She was a fighter, perky and full of gusto till the end.  I am so glad she was part of my first 5K. 

I don’t want to discourage anyone who is a TOPS member or anyone considering joining TOPS by what I have said about my own chapter.  These are my own feelings and opinions.  As with any organization each chapter has it’s own personality.  Please do not judge the entire organization by my experience.   TOPS is an amazing source of knowledge and support.  I am forever greatful for what being a members has done in my life.  As with buddyslim I have learned more about what I am capable of though my experience there than I ever thought possible.

This week at TOPS was much better than the last few months.  I was getting so discouraged with the group and I am not the only one.  A few of us met outside of the meeting and did a bit of brainstorming.  We discussed some of the reasons why things have been going so badly and some solutions.  The first solution…move the older members who refuse to wear their hearing aides to the front of the room.  Which helped some.  Next time I am going to seperate the ones that talk all through the meeting.  I feel like an elementary teacher putting kids in time out for bad behavior.  A dunce cap is not out of the question at this point. 

I started a challenge with everyone this week.  The purpose is to get them involved again.  I call it the Green Key Contest.  It’s a point system for drinking water, keeping a food journal, walking, exercising, and writing/calling other members.  The little prize for the first week is this pin I found on sale at Wal-Mart.  I love it, I think I will buy one for myself.  That or just kick ass this week and win it.  If you can’t see it the pin says imagine on it.  Anyway, I have decided no matter what I am sticking with TOPS until April.  That is when my term as Co-Leader is over and membership is up.  If things have not turned around by then I will walk away with no guilt what so ever.  I will have done what I committed to do and done everything in my power to do a good job.  I love so many of the members, not all of them make me want to scream and yell and pull out my hair.  I will decide then what I will do. 

The a$$hole who oinked at me can bite it.  I lost 1.5 pounds this week and I am pround of myself.  I reached my mini goal 50 pounds!!! My next goal is to see 299.  I am so ready to be outta the 300’s.

I ate well today.  I found oatmeal again.  Love the apple cinnamin instant, it so filling, and only 130 calories. I stopped eating when I was full at dinner and brought home the chili I did not touch.  So far I have not heated it up.  Which is really good for me.   

Did 10 minutes on the bike at 11 to 13 miles an hour.  I changed the resistant from 0 to 8 and in between every 30 secounds.  It was great.  I will be doing that more often.  Also did the eliptical for 2 min and 45 sec.  That’s all I could handle, next time 3 minutes.  

The 5k is Saturday and I am nervous.  My goal is to finish it.  That’s it, just finish it.  I don’t care how long it takes me.  Next time I will have a goal time, but my first 5k I just want to finish.  18 months ago it took me 40 minutes to walk a mile.  I can do it in half that time now. 

I am LOVIN life today.

I wrote this Friday night.  But hit the wrong button and saved it instead of posting it.   

I am so tired and I am trying to wind down from another long day.  I am on vacation next week from my full time job.  The rest of the week won’t be any different from the norm though.  Today I was trying to prepare the guys and my manager asks “What do you do?”.  That is NOT what I wanted to hear!  I went over what they need to expect and how to get by enough so I can sort everything out when I get back.  Later he asked a question about an email.  I explained the problem, what needed to be done to fix it, I had already contacted the professor and completed the service ticket.  I followed that up with “See, I do stuff.”  Childish on my part, but I couldn’t help myself.  Then I spent 30 minutes talking to 5 different service reps to get my cell phone bill corrected.  My 5 minute drive home took 20 because of Homecoming.  Stupid football.  Then I scratched my car, because someone decided to part badly.  At that point I was having a really bad day.  But was it over, Heck no.  I had to go to my 2nd job for the next 5 1/2 hours. 

To top off the night I was fixing the mess that was the infants department and some A$$HOLE oinked at me like a pig.  F***EN college $hithead.  You are in college, use that higher education and come up with something original.  I know I am fat.  I don’t need you to point it out by making crude animal noises.  I don’t know why I let him get under my skin so much.  Probably because it has been so long since someone had been so hurtful.  I know I am losing and making my life healthier.  I know I am better than him.  But it still hurts my feelings.  I am trying to let it go but it is difficult.  I can look at this as a more motivation to prove that I have the ablilty to change, he will always be an A$$.  I hope I get to that place soon. 

Thank you everyone for all the comments on my last blog!  I knew my focus was shifting to the wrong place.  I knew by putting it out there I would get the feedback I need to remember what is important….good health.  Being thin does not determine good health and that’s where my screwed up thinking was leading me. 

I know a 40 something size 20 something buddie that can out walk her 18 year old size zero niece.  My buddy has been making healthly choices and exercising daily, as a result she is more fit than apperances lead one to believe.  I love that.  She is such an inspiration. 

What I learned…..Does it matter if we share our weight ticker with the rest of the world? HECK NO!!!  Does it matter if we put in our best effort and support one another?  YES!!! 

I have some random questions. 

# 1 What do you think when buddyslimmers do not post their weight ticker on their profile?  Do you take them less seriously?   Do you think it show a different level of honest or comfort?  Or does it mean nothing at all.  I like posting mine it shows I am not blowing smoke.  I have some weight loss behind me to back up the advice I may give someone.  I also love then and now pics for the same reason.  I also like to see other’s tickers because I am nosey and overly competitive. 

#2 Do you ever go back and read your old blogs?   Do you see a difference in your tone?  Is there a difference in the excuses and lies you tell yourself?   Do you see the same distructive pstterns then and now.  I just spent some time reading stuff I had written from April to June.  I like some of what I read.  I hated seeing the lies and excuses I was using.   Some I am still using.  I showed me I have made progress, but I am still a long way from the finish line.  I love that today I know one pound at a time I will get there.  I will make my goals my reality. 

I just had a moment of peace and clarity.  I was repling to some posts in the Wildcat forum and it hit me.  The scale is nothing to fear.  It only has the amount of power I give it.  In fact it could even be a friend one day.  The reason I have hated the scale so much in the past was it doesn’t allow me to lie to myself or others.  It forces me to take responsiblily for my actions.  Although it is how we gage our progress it is not the only place we see improvement.  Smaller sizes, longer work outs, moving more easily are just a few of the ways we can see how healthy choices are changeing us from the inside out.I am posting some pic taken 6 months and and last week.  The differnce on the scale show 31.75 pounds.  The diffence in my life, walking a mile doesn’t sound like a death sentence, I moved the seat up in my car, and I am down a jean size.  I noticed I look taller too.  I am not slouching the way I was.

I am sick of being tired ALL the time.  It’s 11:00pm and I am not the least bit interested in bed.  I have slept the last 2 days at work.  This is not good.  I need to wake up, life is passing me by and I do NOT like it. 

Went over calories today.  Did great until dinner.  Did not walk everywhere today.  I stayed up too late, then over slept, so had to drive.  I did go for a walk tonight.  Only problem is it was 9:30 by the time I got out the door and now I am wired.  I think I am PMSing this week.  Everything is pissing me the f*** off.  That would also explain why I was down 3 pounds this morning.  It had to be water.  I know I didn’t eat well enough or exercise enough to lose that much in one day. 

Anyway I need to make myself go to sleep.  Hope everyone is well.  I will try to be online more the rest of the week.