meltingaway

Thank you all so much for all your support on my last blog.  The jerk at the 5K can join the a$$hole who oinked at me on my list of people who can bite it.  What they think and say does not matter.   

I am no a very low food budget.  Most weeks I spend $40 to $50 on food.  This week wasn’t thinking and blew my food bugdet.  So I got an idea to make what I have stretch a little further.  It backfired.  I made a crockpot poofta. (Poofta is what I call a dish that I throw stuff together at radom to see what happens.)  Today was red beans, rice, chicken, and some spices.  It doesn’t taste very good.  Bad thing is I used most of what I had left in my cabinets to make it.  Now I am forced to eat it till payday on Thursday.  Needless to say I am not looking forward to eating this week. Oatmeal and scrambled eggs are looking really good at the moment.  The other thing I have is spagetti.  So I will have something to eat besides Poofta. 

So I have to ask, what do you do when the cabinets are almost empty and payday is a week away?   Are there low cost meals/foods that are always on hand to fill the days to payday?

I know how important it is to fuel our bodies with healthy foods.  Which is why I am not happy with myself for letting this happen. 

I posted this in the Wildcat forum but I wanted to blog about it too.  The 5K was good until I hit the finish line. I don’t know what my time was because the guy taking the numbers was yelling at me for putting it in the wrong place. No one told me where to pin my number so I pinned it to my back. I have never done a race before so I didn’t know anything. I know I went over my goal of one hour but I am not sure how far over I was. The last time I looked at the clock it read 1:07. But I don’t know if it turned to 1:08 before I actually hit the finish line. I emailed the contact for the race, ranted about the jerk, and asked if she could possibly look up my time. I hate that I went from totally happy to feeling stupid in the mater of 3 seconds. Then I got extremely angry once I realized I felt cheated out of such a major accomplishment.

I was not the last person across the finish line.  I was 2nd to last.  I don’t care about that.  I FINISHED my first 5K!  Next time I will do better and enjoy it more.  I will ask all the questions so I am not made to feel stupid.  I need to focus on the positive and not allow the jerk so much power over my life.  He probably doesn’t even remember me and will never give me a second thought. 

So at one point I wasn’t sure I would make it.  I was so tired and out of breath.  I did not train enough, which is a mistake I will not make again.  Now I want to do another.  This is such a great way to push myself to do more.  I love that I did this.  It is something I have always wanted to do.  I know I would not have been able to do it 50 pounds ago.  Makes me wonder what I will be able to do after another 50 pounds is gone.  I love putting my body through it’s paces.  I have a body that works!  Oh my God, my body works!!!  It’s doesn’t work as well as most, but it is not broken.  YEAH!!!

I almost forgot the woman who finished last.  She was in her 50’s she was amazing.  Her name is Lu.  She trotted 5 to 10 steps behind me that whole way.  She was wearing this jingly scarf thing that was annoying at first, but I missed it when she fell behind.  At the end it was a beautiful sound.  She was a fighter, perky and full of gusto till the end.  I am so glad she was part of my first 5K. 

I don’t want to discourage anyone who is a TOPS member or anyone considering joining TOPS by what I have said about my own chapter.  These are my own feelings and opinions.  As with any organization each chapter has it’s own personality.  Please do not judge the entire organization by my experience.   TOPS is an amazing source of knowledge and support.  I am forever greatful for what being a members has done in my life.  As with buddyslim I have learned more about what I am capable of though my experience there than I ever thought possible.

This week at TOPS was much better than the last few months.  I was getting so discouraged with the group and I am not the only one.  A few of us met outside of the meeting and did a bit of brainstorming.  We discussed some of the reasons why things have been going so badly and some solutions.  The first solution…move the older members who refuse to wear their hearing aides to the front of the room.  Which helped some.  Next time I am going to seperate the ones that talk all through the meeting.  I feel like an elementary teacher putting kids in time out for bad behavior.  A dunce cap is not out of the question at this point. 

I started a challenge with everyone this week.  The purpose is to get them involved again.  I call it the Green Key Contest.  It’s a point system for drinking water, keeping a food journal, walking, exercising, and writing/calling other members.  The little prize for the first week is this pin I found on sale at Wal-Mart.  I love it, I think I will buy one for myself.  That or just kick ass this week and win it.  If you can’t see it the pin says imagine on it.  Anyway, I have decided no matter what I am sticking with TOPS until April.  That is when my term as Co-Leader is over and membership is up.  If things have not turned around by then I will walk away with no guilt what so ever.  I will have done what I committed to do and done everything in my power to do a good job.  I love so many of the members, not all of them make me want to scream and yell and pull out my hair.  I will decide then what I will do. 

The a$$hole who oinked at me can bite it.  I lost 1.5 pounds this week and I am pround of myself.  I reached my mini goal 50 pounds!!! My next goal is to see 299.  I am so ready to be outta the 300’s.

I ate well today.  I found oatmeal again.  Love the apple cinnamin instant, it so filling, and only 130 calories. I stopped eating when I was full at dinner and brought home the chili I did not touch.  So far I have not heated it up.  Which is really good for me.   

Did 10 minutes on the bike at 11 to 13 miles an hour.  I changed the resistant from 0 to 8 and in between every 30 secounds.  It was great.  I will be doing that more often.  Also did the eliptical for 2 min and 45 sec.  That’s all I could handle, next time 3 minutes.  

The 5k is Saturday and I am nervous.  My goal is to finish it.  That’s it, just finish it.  I don’t care how long it takes me.  Next time I will have a goal time, but my first 5k I just want to finish.  18 months ago it took me 40 minutes to walk a mile.  I can do it in half that time now. 

I am LOVIN life today.

I wrote this Friday night.  But hit the wrong button and saved it instead of posting it.   

I am so tired and I am trying to wind down from another long day.  I am on vacation next week from my full time job.  The rest of the week won’t be any different from the norm though.  Today I was trying to prepare the guys and my manager asks “What do you do?”.  That is NOT what I wanted to hear!  I went over what they need to expect and how to get by enough so I can sort everything out when I get back.  Later he asked a question about an email.  I explained the problem, what needed to be done to fix it, I had already contacted the professor and completed the service ticket.  I followed that up with “See, I do stuff.”  Childish on my part, but I couldn’t help myself.  Then I spent 30 minutes talking to 5 different service reps to get my cell phone bill corrected.  My 5 minute drive home took 20 because of Homecoming.  Stupid football.  Then I scratched my car, because someone decided to part badly.  At that point I was having a really bad day.  But was it over, Heck no.  I had to go to my 2nd job for the next 5 1/2 hours. 

To top off the night I was fixing the mess that was the infants department and some A$$HOLE oinked at me like a pig.  F***EN college $hithead.  You are in college, use that higher education and come up with something original.  I know I am fat.  I don’t need you to point it out by making crude animal noises.  I don’t know why I let him get under my skin so much.  Probably because it has been so long since someone had been so hurtful.  I know I am losing and making my life healthier.  I know I am better than him.  But it still hurts my feelings.  I am trying to let it go but it is difficult.  I can look at this as a more motivation to prove that I have the ablilty to change, he will always be an A$$.  I hope I get to that place soon. 

Thank you everyone for all the comments on my last blog!  I knew my focus was shifting to the wrong place.  I knew by putting it out there I would get the feedback I need to remember what is important….good health.  Being thin does not determine good health and that’s where my screwed up thinking was leading me. 

I know a 40 something size 20 something buddie that can out walk her 18 year old size zero niece.  My buddy has been making healthly choices and exercising daily, as a result she is more fit than apperances lead one to believe.  I love that.  She is such an inspiration. 

What I learned…..Does it matter if we share our weight ticker with the rest of the world? HECK NO!!!  Does it matter if we put in our best effort and support one another?  YES!!! 

I have some random questions. 

# 1 What do you think when buddyslimmers do not post their weight ticker on their profile?  Do you take them less seriously?   Do you think it show a different level of honest or comfort?  Or does it mean nothing at all.  I like posting mine it shows I am not blowing smoke.  I have some weight loss behind me to back up the advice I may give someone.  I also love then and now pics for the same reason.  I also like to see other’s tickers because I am nosey and overly competitive. 

#2 Do you ever go back and read your old blogs?   Do you see a difference in your tone?  Is there a difference in the excuses and lies you tell yourself?   Do you see the same distructive pstterns then and now.  I just spent some time reading stuff I had written from April to June.  I like some of what I read.  I hated seeing the lies and excuses I was using.   Some I am still using.  I showed me I have made progress, but I am still a long way from the finish line.  I love that today I know one pound at a time I will get there.  I will make my goals my reality. 

I just had a moment of peace and clarity.  I was repling to some posts in the Wildcat forum and it hit me.  The scale is nothing to fear.  It only has the amount of power I give it.  In fact it could even be a friend one day.  The reason I have hated the scale so much in the past was it doesn’t allow me to lie to myself or others.  It forces me to take responsiblily for my actions.  Although it is how we gage our progress it is not the only place we see improvement.  Smaller sizes, longer work outs, moving more easily are just a few of the ways we can see how healthy choices are changeing us from the inside out.I am posting some pic taken 6 months and and last week.  The differnce on the scale show 31.75 pounds.  The diffence in my life, walking a mile doesn’t sound like a death sentence, I moved the seat up in my car, and I am down a jean size.  I noticed I look taller too.  I am not slouching the way I was.

I am sick of being tired ALL the time.  It’s 11:00pm and I am not the least bit interested in bed.  I have slept the last 2 days at work.  This is not good.  I need to wake up, life is passing me by and I do NOT like it. 

Went over calories today.  Did great until dinner.  Did not walk everywhere today.  I stayed up too late, then over slept, so had to drive.  I did go for a walk tonight.  Only problem is it was 9:30 by the time I got out the door and now I am wired.  I think I am PMSing this week.  Everything is pissing me the f*** off.  That would also explain why I was down 3 pounds this morning.  It had to be water.  I know I didn’t eat well enough or exercise enough to lose that much in one day. 

Anyway I need to make myself go to sleep.  Hope everyone is well.  I will try to be online more the rest of the week. 

As of last week I had 5 pounds until my next mini goal.  So what do I do.  I get stressed and burned out and I am up 5 pounds this week.  I don’t officially weigh in until Thursday, and I know a lot can happen in that time.  But I am thinking I am not going to like what I see on the scale this week.  I know what I did.  I stopped training and started eating.  My behavior and habit are the definition of insanity.

Okay shutting up now.  I am not going to come on here and whine and cry because I made bad choices.  Here is my plan for the rest of the week. 

Tuesday:

• 50 sit ups
• 50 push ups
• 6 1/2 hours on my feet at job #2

Wednesday:

• Walk everywhere.  I will not need my car until 6:15pm.  I can walk to everything.
• Yoga 30 minutes

Thursday:

• Walk everywhere. I will to need my car at all today. 

Friday:

• 50 sit ups
• 50 push ups
• 6 1/2 hours on my feet at job #2 

2,000 calories per day

64 oz of water per day

Haha, made ya look!  I need to rant for a minute then I get to the good stuff so skip ahead if you like.  I just needed to get this out.  

I have been a member of TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) for a year and a half.  Last April I accpeted the nomination for co-leader and won the election.  Since then the club is no longer fun or supportive.  Tonight we were told later in the month the meeting will be on a Tuesday night instead of Thursday.  I asked for a volunteer to do the program as I will be working that night.  Out of 15 members no one offered to help.  The program is a lesson on nutrition, fitness, or other weight loss related topics.  Headquarters even has professional writers and researchers that create programs so we have up to date information.  I normally write my own though.  I was extremely frustrated and angry that no one is willing to help for one night.  The last co-leader had alot of help.  She only did the program every 6 to 8 weeks, everyone pitched in.  They showed their support by doing something.  Me, not so much, I don’t know if I set the bar too high because I am such a perfectionist, or if they just don’t care anymore.  Well the scales show they don’t care anymore.  It has become a social club instead of a weight loss club for them.  This is another reason why I have made BS such a big part of my life. 

So I am giving up on TOPS.  I will finish my term as co-leader, then I am done.  I will not renew my membership again.  I doubt my feeling or mind will change in the next 6 months.  We have so many members how have been in the group for decades and are so set in their ways they chase off new members.  I have nothing left to give them.  I have covered every topic I can think of, done contests and challenges, and lead by example as I have lost 45 pounds this year.  The only person who has gotten anything out of my leadership is me.  I did not want to stand in front of the group saying do this, do that and you will lose when I was not losing myself.  So I got motivated found outside sources of support and did more than I ever dreamed I could.  I am so greatful to my Wildcats and buddies.  If I had not had BS I don’t think I would have been able to last as long as I have before throwing in the towel.  I know I am not able to do this on my own.  I need support and encouragement.  I need to be challenged.  I get all that and more here.  I also have some friends outside of the group who are amazing cheerleaders.  I can never say enough how greatful I am for each and everyone of them. 

Ok enough poor pitiful me.  I still have lots going for me including another 2 pound loss this week.  How great is that!!! 3 weeks in a row!  13 pounds total.  I love it!!!

Goals:

• Measure food for portion control.
• Count calories
• Write week 2 training plan
• Water, water, water!
• Stay honest and connected
• Be positive
• Have fun and enjoy the ride!

Today I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger.  I think I have lost half of my face.  I am quickly losing my puffy cheeks, double chin, and neck fat.  I was able to move the seat up in my car because the steering wheel no longer rubbed up against my stomach.  I am back to the surreal feeling of I can’t believe this is me.  This part maybe TMI, but I gotta say it.  So far I am not losing my boobs.  The more my stomach shrinks the bigger they look.  I had a bit of a fear that I would lose my boobs first and be flat chested.  Stupid I know, but I been living in a fat body for so long to make my self ugly to the world.  As I get healthy I want to be attractive for the first time.  I am trying to let go of that superficial ideal and see how attractive a healthy confident body is. 

Day 4:

• walk/jogged 2 miles
• 30 jumping jacks
• 92 oz of water
• 5:45 1cup green tea 6 t sugar before walk….Yes, I know how bad the sugar is.  I am backing off the tea starting tomorrow.
• 6:45 - Breakfast Burrito and smoothie (home made).  1 egg scrambled, 1 slice non fat cheese, and salsa, 5 banana cubes, 1 cup soy milk, and 1 package of chai.  I just read the nutrition info on chai and it has 120 calories! ouch!
• 12:00 - 2 oz spagetti, sauce, 1/2 cup carrots, 1T lite margarine, and an apple. 
• 3:00 - 600 caloried mixed nuts and 12 apple juice.  Sugar bottomed out and I was not prpeared for that.  Too much exercise and not enough small snacks. 
• 6:00 - 1 2/3 fried gas station bagel dog. 
• 7:00 - 10 chocolate chip cookies. 

Okay I did train well, missed water by 4 oz, and forgot to do yoga.  Then I ate like CRAP in the evening.  I would have eaten more, but a good friend reminded me I had said I was done with food for the day.  I gave her a go to hell look, dropped the fork back on her plate, then did jumping jacks.  She then told me the bite of burrito I was going to take was full of cheese and really good.  I told her thanks asshole.  She can eat that way and still be 110 or less pounds.  I love her she is my biggest cheerleader.  She gets as excited as I do when I do well.

Day 5:

• 50 pushups
• 100 situps
• 15 minutes yoga.  I found a series on youtube.com, yoga for beginners.  It’s cut into parts, I did part 1 and 2 tonight.  I will build up and do more each week. 
• 7:15 2 cups special k, 1 cup skim milk, 1 boiled egg
• 12:15 4 oz spagetti 1/2 cup sauce
• 5:15 1 cup cauliflower 1T lite margarine
• 5:45 6 oz grilled chicken, 1 cup baked potato, 1 T lite margarine
• 8:00 20 can of pinapple chinks and unsweetned juice.
• 2 cups green tea with sugar 14 t in all.  That is way too much sugar and lead to missing water today. 
• water 48oz, yikes missed by half.

I was in a funk most of the day.  I don’t know why, I just felt off.  I ended up calling into work last night because I didn’t feel well.  My body was telling me NO MORE!  I went to the training today and learned alot.  I left my notes at work.  I will post the web links and the more interesting stuff on here tomorrow.